Previously on "Black Dynamite"...
Aah! Sueeey!
You know and I know that That Frog Kurtis is a...
Jive-ass motherfucker!
♪ Dynamite! Dynamite ♪
Wait, Black Dynamite,
I'm part of every lesson you ever learned.
I got you... I got you out of peeing in the bed.
Your daddy wasn't there for that, Black Dynamite.
Okay?
Black Dynamite, thank you for coming on the puppet show
as my special guest and best friend.
And you kids can forget about everything
That Frog Kurtis...
Ribbit, motherfucker! Ribbit!
♪ Dynamite! Dynamite ♪
♪ He's dynamite ♪
♪ So dynamite ♪
♪ Ooohhh, ooohhh ♪
♪ Ooohhh ♪
♪ Ahhhh ♪
♪ He's dynamite ♪
♪ Dy-no, dy-no ♪
♪ Ooohhh, ooohhh ♪
♪ Oooohhhh ♪
♪ Dynamite! Dynamite! ♪
This week...
♪ Hooray, hooray, hooray, for whores ♪
♪ That little pussy can open up doors ♪
♪ Hooray, hooray, hooray, for whores ♪
That brings back good and bad memories,
but memories nonetheless.
These orphans are so excited about
going disco skating with you, Black Dynamite,
that they little asses slept with their skates on.
These orphans have spent their whole lives being orphans.
Sometimes they need a break.
And there's nothing like some good disco skating
to take the misery out of being an orphan.
Lord knows I can use a break, and I got a mama.
It's hard being a grown-ass pimp living with your mama.
Oh yeah, I forgot to go potty before we left.
Cream Corn, hold your horses and your wee-wee, please.
Looks like the traffic done jammed and squeezed
- with Tasty Freeze. - Black Dynamite!
You kids sit tight.
Don't worry, this traffic jamming's not gonna
interrupt our disco jamming.
Hooray, hooray, hooray, for whores ♪
Man, I'm glad to see you, Black Dynamite!
Some preaching-ass fool is having church
right in the middle of all my pussy.
I can't make no money. - My camel toe need water.
Reverend Daddy Dynamite?
My long-estranged daddy's name was
"Reverend Daddy Dynamite," and he was a reverend.
♪ Get along, everybody, cooperation is the key ♪
Now, I could lie to you and say
I'm just going out for a pack a cigarettes,
but the truth is, I'm leaving you
to raise 8-year-old Black Dynamite by yourself.
Now dig it while you can,
because the light just turned motherfuckin' green.
Bye, bitch.
I never thought I'd see the day when I'd get
to meet my daddy face-to-face as Grown Dynamite.
This total coincidence might just give Black Dynamite
a sense of wholeness that has eluded him
for most of his childhood life.
I'm just saying.
Wait, please, don't leave.
I... I was just about to send
the collection plate around again.
- Daddy Dynamite? - I know, I know.
Here's your tithes back.
No, Daddy, it's me, your son, Black Dynamite.
Son, a lot of people have that n...
Boy, I can't believe it.
You got the same mustache you had
when you was 8 years old.
♪ Dynamite! Dynamite ♪
You know, I never forgave Mama for running you away.
'Til this day I have yet to put a flower on her grave.
Well, actually, son, I just did a little cool spin
and walked the fuck out on my own.
Oh, well, I guess who left who don't matter no more.
But what brought you back here after all these years, anyway?
I read in the classifieds
that there was great preaching opportunities
in the Black community.
So I came here to spread the word.
But I don't know, son.
God's words don't seem to pay like they used to.
Well, you can't give up, Daddy.
You're the only preacher I know that tells it like it is.
I mean, you could have lied to my mama you was
going out for a pack of cigarettes, but you didn't.
Yeah, well, son, those were the good old days.
Been nice chatting with you,
but Daddy Dynamite shall be going.
Maybe I'll see you in another 25 years, son.
But Daddy, we just reunited, and it feels so good.
Why don't you just stay around for a while?
Maybe I could help you out. - Well, if you insist.
Uh, I didn't.
I mean, all I just need is a place to freeload for a while.
You know, somewhere I can shit, shower, and shave,
and pay nothing,
just until I get my congregation up.
Well, we got plenty of toilets to shit in
and enough whores to shower and shave you for a lifetime.
You can stay at the Whorephanage.
- Whorpha-who? - That would be perfect, son.
It will also give us a opportunity to catch up,
do some of that father-and-son shit
you always dreamed about.
Honey Bee, call the whores at the Whorephanage
and tell them to pick up about 3,000 razors and enough
shaving cream to keep my daddy in my life for good.
But Black Dynamite...
This is gonna be like living at home together again,
just like when I was 8.
But this time, I'm a grown man
with whores and orphans and a bunch of other shit,
but you... you get the picture, Daddy.
Now, this won't mean a damn thing to me
until I get to know you a little bit better,
Black Dynamite.
Maybe even then it still won't.
But in the meanwhile, give your daddy a hug, son.
Now, I hate to bring down this whole room with a frown,
but I just remembered we left a whole load of orphans
on wheels in a bus downtown.
♪ Dynamite! Dynamite ♪
Black Dynamite, you ain't shit!
Come on, son! Come on!
You know this father son shit ain't that bad.
Dynamite, dynamite.
Mm, you looking mighty sharp, Black Dynamite.
Hadn't seen you in a while.
Well, at least not without your daddy.
Honey Bee, I know this has been a big transition for y'all,
but a daddy is what I've been missing my whole life.
Well, yeah, well you just gotta be careful, Black Dynamite.
Remember, he didn't come back here for you.
And by the way, you know you missed
little orphan Willis' birthday party yesterday.
Not little orphan Willis' birthday!
Nooooooooooooo!
- How was it? - It was good.
But he missed you. They all did.
I don't know if you realize this,
but you're a daddy too, Black Dynamite.
Ladies and gentlemen, the man whose life I walked out of
when he was an 8-year-old children.
The one that has not only provided us
with a place for whores and orphans,
but also for the word of God.
Give it up for my most beloved son, Black Dynamite!
Can I get a "Dynamite, Dynamite"?
Dynamite, Dynamite.
You know, when I look around this room,
I see nothing but players, pushers, pimps, and pros.
That's right. That's what we are.
Preach, Daddy Dynamite, preach.
Now, God's just got one thing for me to lay on you cats
and one thing only.
Daddy Dynamite and Black Dynamite are
declaring holy war on anybody hustling, pushing,
pimping, or selling hoes in this community.
But... but Daddy Dynamite... Slick Berg Ice, Master Fly,
Pimp Slick Micky, Black Zeus, and myself,
we all sell hoes to the community.
I know you're selling hoes.
But the problem is you're not giving the proceeds to God.
Can I get a "Dynamite, Dynamite"?
Dynamite... Wait, what?
And hoes, hah,
stop dragging your funky, ha
moose knuckles up and down the street, ha
every night, ha,
only to give all your money away
to these pimps of sin, ha ha ha!
And if you're gonna sell your pussy, ha ha,
sell that pussy for God.
If you're gonna pimp that pussy, ha,
pimp that pussy, ha
for the lord!
You think that pussy belongs to you, ha!
That is God's pussy
He created it, didn't he?
Can I get a "Dynamite, Dynamite"?
Whoo! Dynamite.
So I say to you all!
Bitch, ha... Bitch, ha-ha...
Bitch, ha-ha, y'all better have...
y'all better have, aha..
Go-o-o-o-od's money!
Can I get a "dynamite"?
What the hell is going on?
Why you doing this, Daddy Dynamite? Why?
Why? Why?
Listen and learn, Black Dynamite,
because that God who art in heaven
is a straight-up pimp. Dynamite, Dynamite!
That's right. Bring your money to me... Daddy D.
The only way to heaven is through my pockets, baby.
Dynamite, Dynamite.
Now everybody gimme that money-y-y-y!
Oooooh! Take this pussy now, lord,
and fill it with your holy spirit.
♪ Dynamite! Dynamite ♪
Y-Your life meant everything to me, dad.
A-A-A-A-nd I'm gonna pick up where you left off.
But there's just one thing I got to do first.
And that's teach B-B-B-B-Black Dynamite
that puppet blood ain't cheap.
Ribbit, motherfucker! Ribbit!
Ribbit, motherfucker. Ribbit!
♪ Dynamite! Dynamite ♪
There he is, my son.
Look here, Black Dynamite... Dynamite!
I'm thinking about moving them whorephans/orphans,
or whatever you call them to the basement
and turning their bedroom into a gambling den for the lord.
What do you say, son?
Look here, Daddy, I'm not gonna stand here
and let you take advantage of my community's sins.
Now enough is enough. - Hold on a second, son.
Will you hoes please excuse us?
Ooh, praise God.
Uh, yeah, your daddy was just giving them some anointing.
Cut the bullshit, Daddy. You're robbing the people.
Now, Black Dynamite don't believe in fuckin' up his own daddy,
but I'm about to anoint my foot in your ass, can you dig it?
What the devil has gotten into you, boy?
I don't know who's been raising you,
but it damn sure ain't been me.
Now you will show me and the lord some respect.
Son, I might be making a dishonest living,
but at least I'm doing it honestly.
Now, when these motherfuckers stop giving me
all their money and pussy, I'll stop taking it.
Now, you're the one who wanted me to stay.
That's because I wanted you back in my life, Daddy.
But I guess nostalgia ain't what it used to be.
You don't know what it's like to grow up
with nobody to teach you how not to pee in the bed
or how to make green from yellow and blue.
Is that how they make it?
Well shit, I couldn't have taught you that anyway.
- That's not the point. - Look, all I hear from you...
is what you didn't have
'cause your daddy wasn't there to raise you.
What about how dynamite you turned out
because I didn't raise you?
I think it's time for you to go, Daddy.
- I beg your pardon? - You heard me! I said scram.
Split the scene, my daddy.
Your daddy walking out on you made you the man you are today,
and this is the thanks I get.
Now, I could lie to you and say...
Daddy!
Bye, bitch.
♪ Dynamite! Dynamite ♪
Excuse me, B-Brother Daddy Dynamite.
Daddy Dynamite is no brethren to no puppets.
Now, who the hell are you?
Allow me to introduce myself.
I am Brother Minister That Bastard Kurtis,
son of the late That Frog Kurtis.
And I must say that I was truly touched
by your message the other night.
Su-su-su-su-such a powerful word, my brother.
- You really think so? - Oh, yes.
You see, brother, I'm a minister, too.
I run a very successful temple spreading
bean pies and incense all over Pu-pu-pu-puppet Street.
So I can respect a man that's out there getting God's money.
Yeah, well, I thought that was the way to go, too.
But apparently I can't even make a believer out of my own son.
You and I have a lot in common, Brother Daddy Dynamite.
We should go for a ride.
You see, people are like diapers. They're like diapers, yes.
Hard to change and fu-full of shit.
Bu-Bu-Bu-But puppets, on the other hand,
are full of cotton.
Once your hand goes up they ass,
you can make them believe anything.
I-I-I-I believe puppets need a master,
a-a-a-a somebody to control the strings of their lives.
And if that don't float the shit in your toilet,
they got a whole lot of money,
Br-Br-Br-Brother Daddy Dynamite.
Well, Brother That Bastard Kurtis,
if you possess so much profound insight,
why don't you reach these puppets
and get their money yourself?
Do you hear this fuckin' st-stutter?
Nobody will listen to a-a-a-a stuttering frog puppet,
Daddy Dynamite.
But you got that gift and that gab,
just like my daddy had.
Now, I got a st-st-studio
where my daddy used to shoot his puppet shows at.
I want to bring it back so we can do
the first human puppet show ever on TV.
With your message and my show,
you can be the biggest TV puppet evangelist
in the w-w-w-world!
Brother Reverend Daddy Dynamite
and Brother Minister That Bastard Kurtis.
Sounds like a match made in heaven, right here on Earth.
Like Martin and Malcolm.
Now, what do you say we start promoting
our new show, D-D-D-Daddy?
You don't mind if I call you "D-D-D-D-D-Daddy," right?
Well, nobody ever called me "D-D-D-D-D-Daddy" before.
But I guess I could get used to it.
- Bean pie, my daddy? - Don't mind if I do, son.
♪ Dynamite! Dynamite ♪
Wait, what?
"Daddy Dynamite and Brother That Bastard Kurtis."
Hmm.
I don't know about this, man. We fuckin' with Black Dynamite.
You know what? You acting like a little bitch right about now.
Now, we gonna roll up in the rink,
find these little marks, and smoke them.
Awwwww shit, hey! That's my song!
I'm about to shake what my mama gave me and boogie.
Man, what I wouldn't give to have a normal daddy
under some normal circumstances.
At least you had a daddy to leave you when you was 8.
My daddy was a test tube.
Cream Corn, this moment is about Black Dynamite's father issues.
Now, you gonna have to save that test-tube-daddy B-story
for another day, you dig?
Sorry, Black Dynamite.
Here's the get-back, bitch.
Whoop! Whoop! Whoop!
Now, tell me who sent you puppet fuckers
and why are you here?
Brother Minister That Bastard Kurtis is
a very hateful puppet, Black Dynamite.
He set this whole thing up.
He brought your daddy back into your life
just to tear him away from you.
But your daddy is in trouble.
Honey Bee, Cream Corn, Bullhorn!
I need you to round up these orphans
and get these wheels off them quick, fast, and in a hurry.
My daddy's in trouble, and he needs me.
Black Dynamite. Black Dynamite!
Black Dynamite, you ain't shit.
♪ Dynamite! Dynamite ♪
As you all know, I am the Brother Minister
That Bastard Kurtis,
and I want to thank you all for coming out
to the all-new God's Dynamite Puppet Show-w-w-w!
Suey!
Uh, can I help you puppets?
Daddy, it's me, your son.
Now, hold on, puppet.
Daddy Dynamite has bumped a whole lot of uglies in his day,
but I know for a fact I ain't never laid no pipe
in no puppet poontang.
No, it's me, Black Dynamite.
Boy, what the hell are you doing
disguised in a damn puppet costume,
looking like a damn puppet?
Well, that's why it's called a dis... Look, Daddy...
there's something you need to know about this That Bastard Kurtis.
He can't be trusted. He's trying to kill you.
Impossible... That Bastard Kurtis has been
more of a son in these last few days
then you've been your whole life, Black Dynamite.
That's because you walked out on me when I was 8.
Oh, yeah.
N-Now it is time, brothers and s-s-sisters,
to give a warm welcome to Reverend Bro-Brother
Daddy D-D-D-D-D-D-D-Dynamite!
Well, that's me. Maybe I should scram.
- But Daddy... - Bye, bitch.
Brother That Bastard Kurtis... Kurtises?
Look at your face, Black Dynamite.
What... what you thought I was the only one, Black Dynamite?
Oh, yeah, I was the only seed, Black Dynamite? Huh?
These brothers here are my F.O.I. Brothers...
The Frogs of Incense.
Ribbit, motherfucker. Ribbit.
And by "brothers” I mean biological, not Black.
Cut the toad shit, That Bastard Kurtis.
You and I both know what this is about.
That's right.
Can I get a "Dynamite, Dynamite"?
Now, next time I ain't gonna use no gun, 'cause us Kurtises
are packing in more than just one place, brother.
You ever been smacked across your face
by 50 fuckin' frog d-d-d-d-dicks? Huh?!
Huh? Huh?
I have. It ain't a good look, Black Dynamite.
Don't flinch. It ain't coming yet. The shit ain't coming yet.
When it's coming, I'll let you know,
and I'm not coming at you from one side.
I'm coming at you from both sides, from up, from under.
You ever have your face uppercutted by a... a frog dick?
You try to rope-a-dope like Ali,
but it's... it's too many dicks!
You motherfucker brother Black Dynamite.
Kill they assess! P-P-P-P-P-Please! Please!
Shoot his ass! Everybody shoot!
Yeah! Yeah! F.O.I., baby!
You mean to tell me n-n-n-n-none of y'all motherfuckers
know how to shoot a gun? Huh?
Are you kidding me right now?
I'm try... I'm trying not to get upset.
Ahhh suey!
Bitch, a-ha! Bitch, ha-ha!
Bitch, a-ha! Oh, lord, bitch, ha!
Suey!
You killed my fucking daddy.
You ripped my daddy in pieces, motherfucker!
I'ma Kill your ass right now. You dead, motherfucker!
Now everybody, gimme that moneeyyyy!
Bitch, ah! Bitch, a-ha!
Aaaah!
Like my daddy used to say,
"R-R-Ribbit, motherfucker! R-R-Ribbit!
Aaaaah!
And like my daddy used to say, "dig it while you can,
'cause the light just turned motherfuckin' green.
Bye, bitch!"
Ahhhhhhhh! - Dynamite!
The buck stops here, son.
Don't you see he's got tadpoles in his shoes?
You kill him and this shit will never stop.
In 13 weeks, we will have another
little angry frog puppet seeking revenge.
Look, your daddy's messed up, son.
And if I wouldn't have left you,
this frog's daddy wouldn't have raised you
to be the man you are today.
You'd probably be out there polluting and not giving a hoot,
not preventing forest fires.
And who knows what colors you would have been
trying to mix together to get green.
And even though leaving you made you a better man,
it doesn't make it right.
I'm sorry, son.
And I'm sorry I killed your daddy on national TV,
That Bastard Kurtis.
But he was destroying the minds of the children.
Fuck the minds of the children.
He was slapping people in the face with frog dicks.
I know, Brother Black Dynamite, I know.
Well, he's gone now.
So maybe you and I can share your daddy.
He can be like both ours, but we can keep him at my house.
But he still both our daddys.
You two are grown men and frogs now.
You don't need a daddy like me in your life no more.
Besides, you got your own dad dying to do.
And do me a favor...
If you ever feel like walking out on your kids,
just go get a pack of cigarettes instead.
Well, I know this ain't the storybook way to end the scene,
but once again it seems like
we done left the motherfucking orphans.
♪ Dynamite! Dynamite ♪
Whoo!
♪ Dynamite! Dynamite ♪